Picnic Blankets on the Riverbank

Processing pent-up negative thoughts and emotions about your relationship

This should only be done after you have done proper therapeutic work to prepare you for this moment. For instance, you have learned how to express yourself to your partner in an effective way and you have learned to make requests and to set boundaries. You have learned compassionate, assertive communication. You have learned to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. You have also learned how to inner-parent yourself such that you sometimes resolve your own feelings in a healthy, effective way without needing anything from the other person.

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The Riverbank

First, what is the riverbank? It is a metaphor for a place in your mind that is peaceful and serene. It is where you can sit and enjoy the beautiful landscape of life before you. It is a place where you feel relaxed and at ease. Here, you are your best self: confident, peaceful, loving, curious, creative… like a nurturing parent or caretaker.

Sometimes while sitting at the riverbank thoughts arise and turn into thinking, stringing one thought to another to another. Or sometimes we get stuck on the same thought over and over. We can get lost in the thinking (stringing of thoughts). As a result of the thinking, feelings arise. Whatever the feeling is, it takes us away from feeling whatever we were feeling and experiencing in that present moment of our life. It might steal from us experiences of relaxing, being with our kids or friends, creating, doing work, experiencing difficulty, or feeling discomfort. It takes from us the reality of the moment. It takes us away from our very selves.

Once we realize we have been caught up in thinking… stringing together one thought after another… Once we realize this, we have a choice. To help us with this choice, we can notice how the thinking is making us feel. Maybe it is fantasy thinking and it feels wonderful like a drug helping us to escape the present moment. Or maybe it is the type of thinking that causes us to feel depressed, or scared, or untrusting, or angry. Notice if the thinking is giving you what you want. Is it helping you to be present to your life, to be emotionally healthy, to move you along in alignment with your values? Or is it not?

Small paper boats

We can choose to stay in that mode of thinking. Or we can choose to take those thoughts and the strings of thinking and set them sailing down the river on a small paper boat. Just let it drift away and disappear. Just let them float away as they sit lightly on that flimsy boat. And feel how you feel when you release them. Sure, we may have to set it sailing over and over, that’s ok, it’s part of being a human.

Pent-up feelings about your relationship 

You have lots of thoughts, pent-up expressions, and feelings about your partner and the relationship. Maybe writing it down in an un-delivered letter helped you excavate and express some of these pent-up expressions. Now you notice some of those emotions and thoughts more easily. Or maybe you are having a hard time letting them go.

So, imagine you sit at the peaceful riverbank. Imagine you are sitting on large picnic blanket. You then observe how thoughts and expressions make you feel when they come up. It’s not wrong or bad, it’s just noticing how you feel when you are going along stringing those thoughts. Notice where you feel those emotions in your body. Take all those thoughts and place them to your left on the blanket. Just allow the thoughts to sit next to you like an obedient pet that you are caring for.

The river and scenery are beautiful and peaceful. As you sit there, sometimes you will pick up an idea, thought, or expression from the blanket on the left. If so, feel it, be curious about it. Maybe it is an aspect of you which is trying to protect a younger, hurt part of you. In a loving-parent kind-of-way, be there for your these thoughts (parts of you), and then set them gently back on the blanket. Do this each time you notice you have been stringing thoughts from the blanket on the left.

The New Blanket

Your growthwork now is to begin to place new thoughts and new strings of thoughts onto the blanket on your right. This area of the blanket is called gratitude blanket. Each day find three things to be grateful for regarding your partner. They can be big  or small things. Don’t underestimate the very, very, small things, they are great for this exercise.

Note: The left blanket is not bad or wrong and the right blanket is not right or good. They are just thoughts and parts of us.