Assertive Communication

How to express yourself, get heard, and ask for what you want

Down the road (or sooner), a good move for you and your partner might be to go to relationship counseling in order to gain and practice some communication tools that will help you both. It can be difficult on your own and sometimes a guide is needed.

In the meantime, you can practice this below. Wherever you go in life, this will be useful to you. So right now you might as well practice and practice and practice...

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

The goal of Assertive Communication is to

a) express yourself in a way that you can best be heard

    and then once you feel heard,

b) make a request

It's not aggressive, it's not passive, and it's not passive-aggressive - all of which can be harmful to a relationship. To understand the differences between types of communication, see assertive versus aggressive and passive communication / behavior.

Assertive communication has four  components: 

1) Observations

2) Feelings/needs

3) Being Heard

4) Request

If the person you are speaking to is familiar with, and agrees to, a Speaker-Listener format, then you are much more likely to be heard. A Speaker-Listener format for the listener means not fixing, not advising, not defending, and not trying to be right or make the speaker wrong. Instead, just listen to the other person's perspective. And then reflect back what you heard the speaker say.

First do the exercise by yourself

First and foremost, do the exercise below by yourself, to yourself. Yes, you be the Speaker and the Listener. See also LONGING BEHIND A COMPLAINT section at the bottom of this page. In this way, you can get more clear on

• what the actual external factors are

• what feelings are coming up inside you

By doing this exercise to yourself, you might (you might not) find that 

• you are seeing the situation more clearly now and you are not even bothered by it anymore

• you understand your feelings and realize you can be there for yourself and resolve those feelings yourself 

  • • this is also known as nurturing and compassionately parenting yourself 

In both cases, you would not need to make a request. You could however share (without blame) how you resolved this internally on your own.

If you still feel a need to express this to your partner and make a request, then do the exercise with them.

1. Speaker's Observations

Explain what you notice (the situation) without blame - like a lab technician reporting what they heard and or saw in an experiment. For instance, say "I heard you say" rather than "you said." You are saying what you observed. "I observed...," "I noticed..."

1. • • Try to avoid exaggeration and absolutes, such as always and never. 

     • Not like this → "you always leave the milk on the counter..." (if you didn’t see them put it there, don’t say they put it there)

     • Like this → "I notice that the milk is sitting on the counter..." 

2. Speaker's Feelings 

Explain your feelings 

2. • • Examples: I feel disconnected, sad, cooped-up, restless, disappointed.

     • I highly recommend using a Feelings Chart to help you express this.

• Note: If doing this gets the other person emotionally charged, meaning they are not in the practice of allowing you to express your negative emotions, then leave out your emotions until you get to the Request section because there you can explain the positive feelings you want rather than the negative emotions you are feeling now. See also section on “Negative vs Positive expressions of emotions.”

3. Listener Reflects Back

Reflect back what you heard the Speaker say

3. • • While listening try not to take their observations or their feelings personally. Just allow them to have their story and their feelings.

     • While reflecting, don't veer off, defend, fix, advise, or add their own perceptions. 

     • Listener does not invalidate verbally or with facial expression or body language. If you do, apologize immediately and have them continue. 

     • Simply say what you heard the Speaker say.

4. Speaker's Request

Once heard, the speaker expresses their request and needs (needs = resulting feelings if your needs are met).

a) Request 

Start off with "My request is" or "Would it be possible"     

Examples: 

• Would it be possible for you to _______________ by such and such date?

• My request is that when I ___________, you ____________.

• On days when I say I need your help, would it be possible for you to ask “How can I support you?” and then help me?

• Would you hold my hand more often, especially in the car or while we are walking? 

• Would it be possible for you to set time aside to cuddle with me at least three times a week?

b) Need that would be satisfied

“When you do __________________________  (what the request asks for), I feel ________.”

Example: “When you put the toilet seat down, I feel loved and cared for.”

Example

Speaker’s Observation: 

I noticed that when we were out last night, we were standing nearby but not touching each other.

Speaker’s Feelings/Needs: 

When we are out and next to each other I love it when you touch me. I feel connected, happy and secure when you do that.

Listener Reflects back: 

What I hear you saying is that we were next to each other but not touching and that in those situations, you feel connected, happy, and secure when I am touching you.

After being heard, the Speaker makes a Request: 

In those situations, would it be possible for you to hold my hand, put your arm around me or just come over and touch me every so often?

Requests do not have to be granted

You should expect that some requests will not be granted. Over a long relationship, MANY requests will not be granted, after all, you are different from each other and will disagree often. That's normal, it doesn't mean you have to fight about it. 

But even if your request is denied, at least you 

• have a better understanding of the other person (whether you like what you learned or not)

• expressed yourself in a way that gives you a good chance of 

  • • being heard 

    • not harboring the ill effects of holding your expression inside you

Requests can be 

1) granted

2) denied

3) amended (collaborative solution)

4) placed on pause so the Listener can take time to process

In the case of a pause, the Listener must set a date and time to talk about it again. If the Listener has not figured out an answer yet, they can say so at that date and time. Listener can ask clarifying questions as well.

Negative vs Positive expressions of emotions

Notice the person could have said for the feeling part: “… standing nearby but not touching each other and I felt disconnected, sad, and a little insecure.” And that is ok to do. If you do, see if you can also say the positive emotions you feel when the person does what you like, for instance, “When you touch me, I feel connected, happy, and secure.”

LONGING BEHIND A COMPLAINT 

When you are complaining or criticizing, or you are about to do so, take pause and recognize the longing/need/desire beneath your complaint. 

Practicing your expression to yourself using assertive communication before saying it to the other person may help reveal your longing. And who knows, maybe that’s a longing you need to get from yourself.

State a positive need using what the Gottman’s call a gentle start up. Within every complaint is a longing. When that longing is expressed, the other person is more likely to not become defensive, to listen, and to become invested in finding ways to fulfill that need.

- Paraphrased from (and added to) information in Gottman Level 1 Training

Non-violent Communication is a loving, accepting communication style / format created by Marshall Rosenberg. It emphasizes finding the need beneath a criticism or complaint.

Also, here is an article that explains more about assertive communication

https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969